When my laptop was taken, it was a whole new learning curve. This time I had welcomed people into my home, bought them medicines, groceries, watched their son only to have my laptop disappear the day after they were in my house. I believe they took it to pay for their rent, although they say they did not. It has never been found. I no longer invite people into my house.

But tonight when my neighbor came to the door to tell me my water meter had been stolen, which also means that I cannot get water from the town, I was totally shocked. WHY would anyone want my water meter? It turns out that these can be sold for 100 pesos – $8.00 in a new by town. Why? I have no clue. but today someone came down our street and stole the meters for my friend who have the laundry, my neighbors across the street, and mine. It means that we must now contact the water company in Valle and wait to have them replaced. I do not know yet if I will have to pay for the replacement.

The bottom line is my disallusionment. I am not naive. I know bad things happen to good people. However, as I spend my time here working with the children, offering food to those who come to my door, and being friendly to all I meet, it hurts when someone disrespects the things that are important to me. Could this happen in Canada? Yes… but the fact is that it has not. Could it happen that I might have 3 incidents in 4 months as i have here? Perhaps… but again it has not.

It is possible to allow this to affect my feelings about living here. I don’t want it too, and I will attempt to just move forward, but i wonder how often one can have these setbacks and not give up.

Tonight I am just feeling disallusioned. Tomorrow is another day. I just hope that something good will happen too…. I could use that.

The BIG BLACK CRITTER entered my life today and disappeared just as quickly, scurrying under my bed, afraid of me, as I was of him! What was he???? Who knows, but as he hid under my head, I climbed down from the top of it to get my Home Defence out and draw the line. Turista and critter will not meet again. Home Defence will take care of that. I think perhaps he was a cucaracha. Years ago I SANG of them; NOW I really know what they are.

Speaking of critters, my buzzer rang about an hour later. Two men with big tanks on their backs and another official looking fellow waited while I did the “Where’s my darn keys” dance? Here if you misplace your keys, you’re LOCKED IN as much as you are LOCKED OUT.

Finding the keys allowed me to continue on to step 2 of the next adventure. There they stood patiently waiting, tanks on their backs, spray guns in hand. No the PEST BUSTERS had not heard of the big black critter. They were here because of the little critters on my orange tree! Who would have thought! They show up unannounced, tanks attached to chase away my next batch of critters FOR FREE!!!!! Guess they could tell by the leaves on the tree that this was not a happy citrus. Stepping back from the spray zone, I watched as my tree was given its own level of protection. And the amazing part — they THANKED ME for letting them do it! Have an awesome day, Amigos.

The highlight of today is another helping of DUSTY FRIED CHICKEN!!!! NO, it’s not really fried, but Col. Sanders has nothing on this chicken! Roasted on half barrel grills OUT ON THE STREET by the ladies, these flavored chickens are wonderful. They can’t help but absorb some of that street dust as the cars drive by. For a mere $6.00, I purchase my sumptuous homemade chicken just a block from my house from a lovely family. After literally CHOPPING the whole chicken into sections, they place it on a styrofoam plate, add a sandwich bag of tasty Spanish rice, enough fresh tortillas for a HUGE Mexican family, a sandwich bag of coleslaw and another big plastic bag of a sauce I’ve yet to taste. You might say at this point there are TWO CHICKENS… me and the one I’m looking so forward to eating. Today’s DUSTY FRIED CHICKEN was as delicious cold as it was last night hot! What a way to dine!

And now I will enjoy some relaxation time on my new patio. Completed this year it is a sanctuary on its own. The sound of the fountain, scent of the flowers, and the opportunity to sit and swing in my hammock chair offer a peacefulness and joy that is so welcome. Here I can think about family so far away; make plans for my upcoming days; talk on my skype phone, read or even have a sleep. The sun shines and yet I am protected in shade as gentle breezes blow.

Yes, today this is my Mexico. I’m happy I’m here.

But not all celebration in Mexico takes place in the local restaurants, bars, and cantinas. Little did I know when the evening began that at midnight I would experience another form of celebration. The music which has been filling the air the past week late into the night drew´a friend and I out to Colonia Las Brisas. a Mexican area a half mile east of my house. There we found the partying going strong. This is a time of many fiestas here in Mexico as we just celebrated the Revolution with a parade and national holiday. Young people danced as the band played, famlies sat on stone walls as their babies slept in their baby chairs, and all around there was the vibrant life of a Mexican fiesta. Brightly colored rides for the children were finally still, tables and chairs held those who enjoyed a late snack of tacos, and a brightly lit market stayed open, but it appeared the shoppers had moved on to other things. Today though the rides and markets will once again be alive with the voices and laughter of the people.

It was a magical place… a glimpse into how the Mexican people celebrate. Evidence that family still comes out together. That something as simple as music and dance in a community plaza square can bring community together.

As my friend and I danced, a pair of young couples with their babies, watched our attempt at the dance that is so common with the young people today. They smiled, then laughed as they commented to each other. While I couldn´t hear them I know they had noticed the damcing gringa with blonde hair… the only blonde in the plaza. My friend who does not look very Mexican possibly also passed as a gringo. Giving me the thumbs up sign and a smiling nod they shared their approval. Later we danced along side of them, smiling, making eye contact, only to stop and chat while we admired their babies before we left. Even in the colonias we were welcome….Yes, music, dance, and beautiful people. Not only did they know HOW to celebrate. THEY are my reason to celebrate today.

Marriage ends; bonds break
Loss overwhelms my soul
Longing to hear a simple phrase
I love you and miss you …

Children gone, From roots to wings
They’ve taken flight.
Longing to hold a tiny child just one more time
I love you, miss you and long for that time

Me? Who am I; where have I gone
No longer the mother, the friend, the wife
Longing to find a place and my soul
Loving myself; yet feeling alone.

Looking “hot” this morning, I left the house for the Retired Teachers’ “To Hell with the Bell” first day of school breakfast. I certainly didn’t think I was looking a year away from retirement! However the old lady memory kicked in immediately as I faced a LOCKED car in front of me, and a LOCKED house door behind me. WHAT TO DO???????

With only 30 minutes till the special event, I quickly evaluated the options and immediately realized the bathroom window was my only chance. Measuring up the situation I grabbed the green lawn chair, placed it under the skinny bathroonm windows and climbed up, only to find the window was too high. What to do????

Thirty seconds later I was on the front street looking for a small child I could put through my window, which at best was a poor solution,. It was a long way down to drop in to my bathtub!

Suddenly the solution came rolling up the street on a bicycle, accompanited by a big german shepard. A young man big enough to hold the chair down while I climbed up on the back of itl

Questioning my sanity in asking someone who looked like a non working, campgound dweller, I weighed my choices and asked if he would do me a favor. “Would you help me break into my house. I’m late getting to a meeting in Red Deer.”

Yep, he was willing and immediately we were setting up in the backyard – he holding the chair steady , while grandma climbed up on the chair, then the arm, then the back, reached up to the window and began to haul her body up and through the window. Excitement raced through me as I first balanced my knee on the ledge and then pulled my body up into the window frame. Relief followed quickly as I realized I could actually fit through it. Fear followed as my foot lowered to the toilet tank and success roared as my other foot hit the toilet seat. I was IN!

With a quick thanks to my new friend, a screen slapped back into the frame, my stick logged in place to hold the window closed and a drop to the floor, I was on my way to grab my keys and hit the highway. Granny was attending TO HELL WITH THE BELL!

Not bad for an old lady who needed to save herself! Got a house you need broken into???

I am a work in progress. This past ten years has been a time of huge change for me. Interestingly enough, the biggest changes came at the beginning of that 10 year period and at this end of the 10 years. Its like “here we go again… another life to create and once again it’s my own.” How can this be?

Looking back I realize we change many times during our lives. Think of the changes from baby to toddler or child to teen. These transitions don’t stop once we reach adulthood. New jobs, lost jobs, illness, marriage, divorce, children, death… and many more situations come into play and turn our lives upside down. I know that once again this time of transition no matter how difficult will end back in the light with new learnings, new experiences and that wonderful old sense of I truly love my life.

10 years ago I claimed to be the Chrysalis. Unable to work for medical reasons, I no longer felt I had a purpose. Teaching was my passion and my soul was no longer refueled daily by the children I had been teaching. The energy and sense of purpose my teaching gave me was gone. My love of music died. My opportunities to interact with other people disappeared. Slowly i allowed myself to open up, grow, find new experiences and therefore new meaning. Eventually, the butterfly emerged and life was pretty beautiful.

But life has a way of catching up to us and sadness returns. The desire to reenter the cocoon can return, and another time of rebuilding takes place. I am there once more, but today I feel my strength, my sense of purpose, and my determination. I know what I want in life and I will someday have that. My passion is strong, my abilities many,. and I am the creator of my path if God is willing.

Today I have many questions. Who will be in my life, what will be in my life, where will my life be? These are all opportunities waiting to happen; adventures waiting to be experienced. Someday I shall look back on this time, grateful for the opportunity to grow once more and bring more wonderful things into my life.

Today I am at the acreage. My goal was to clean out more of the weeds that grew last summer due to neglect and to start planting the beautiful new blooms that I had chosen for this year. But as I sprayed for weeds, and raked out old growth, I became aware of something profound.

Here I am again working on my own when one of my strongest passions is to share with someone the goals, the work, the enjoyment of living. I love to garden. I love the acreage in all it’s beauty. But the beauty is fast disappearing without the conmbined effort that is required for the upkeep of 3 acres. Those new to our home would see the beautiful park like setting down the hill; a garden dpoy out in back which surrounds an old wooden wagon, and the pond area which used to have a flowing stream and fountain, and tiny purple flowers bordering it. At one time they could have walked my sanctuary garden across the front of the house with it’s stone paths, bird feeder, gazing ball and variety of colorful flowers. But much of this has gone due to the passing of time. Weeds are replacing flowers and heaving has wrecked the pond. So much potential but what does one do.

Today Garry is working at John and Haley’s, creating a wonderful play centre in their yard, just as he did here on the acreage for our children 20 years ago. The girls will love it; I know it will be well used. What he is doing is important, but it means there is no time to help here. Meanwhile on the acreage the play centres wood is decaying with time, and quack grass grows abundantly in the sand below. It reminds me of my time in Mexico – me working on a house there while Garry worked at his neice’s house in Red Deer. Today he works in town while I work at the acreage. I miss the sharing; the working together. But when I look back that particular part of our life has been gone for a few years now. That makes me sad, but it also makes me look a second time at the guilt I have experienced over being in Mexico and making choices that worked for me. So much guilt for feeling like I was walking away but in reality the togetherness wasn’t happening when I was here.

Today I decided to weed, and rake, and trim trees, but I will not plant the blossoms I have purchased. Garry is far too busy to look after them and likely feels no need to have them in his life. Mark would only find them an unnecessary bother. While we all loved the acreage for it’s beauty, the effort that is irequired must be shared or it will not work. I learned that last summer when the weeds took over.

So I will pack my flowers and head to town. Tomorrow is another day for taking mom to an appointment. I still need to do her garden and I will use the plants there. She will love them and care for them. And while she can’t do much, she will keep me company as I toil in the dirt.

My goal was to look after three different sets of gardens…. but I realize now that is unrealistic. I shall talk to Garry and Mark and we will decide what is best for the acreage. For me that means it won’t cause stress, but it shouldn’t lose it’s value. I hope that is possible.

Yes, the day was filled with learning, and the day was sad. But from the learning will come peace.

She was the one who at 4 told us she had been adopted. Apparently her mother, a drunk, had put her on a greyhound bus and sent her to us from “Hawi-oh”. Years later she still loved to tell that story, leading other mothers to ask me if this could possibly be true that she was adopted. She thought that part was really funny!

She is persistence personified.   Like the bull facing the matador  she focused her attention on the beauty and the challenges in music, drama, sports, school, and friends – doing her best in everything she did.  From the lead in Oklahoma to winning singing trophies at festivals; from being co captain of the basketball team to co managing the mens volleyball team; from creating the grad powerpoint to working with the seniors in a local lodge, she filled her time and her mind with a broad range of activities.

And I recall the beauty of her spirit as well, remembering her joy at 4 for another child’s success even when it meant that she did not win.  I recall her at 16 asking me, “Should I buy a stereo for my car or should I “buy” my foster child now?” She chose the foster child and to this day, 8 years later, she continues to financially support that same little girl who is now in her teens. And she is the young woman who bought flowers for a friend’s mother who was dying of cancer; took a senior from the lodge where she worked for a car ride in her car when she bought it and did so many other things that we never heard about.

She was not perfect, as none of us are. She faced the pressures of being a teenager and managed to get caught the first time she got drunk, the time her friend crashed a car, the time she backtalked a teacher. But she learned from those lessons and was possibly better for it.

Today she is 24, living so far away, and we are not as close as I would like. That is the bittersweet part. Longing for a mother daughter relationship filled with love and respect, sometimes I experience a wave of sadness. Somewhere along the way we lost our bond. I will continue to hope and search for it. That wee girl that I gave birth to so many years ago is a huge part of my heart and always will be, no matter how far away in distance or feelings. I love you my sweet girl.
Mom

Torn – torn between living this life in paradise surrounded by strangers – alone at the beach and so aware of that. Couples abound, groups of friends laugh and talk, glasses are raised. Salud!

Knowing that at home in Canada my children and grandchildren are sharing tobaggan parties and weiner roasts with their grandpa, but grandma is far away. Missing my son’s last hockey game in Ponoka – an important night for him and I am not there to share it.

Torn – so much distance and space between my life here and there.

Valuing my friend Reta, my neighbors in Mexico, my children at the school where I teach English, and new friends. But we do not share history. Only my family and friends back home know that. And at moments like these I miss them deeply – longing to share some of my life with them.

My casa – so beautiful – where I am peaceful and content. The weather is perfect every day. And yet I still long for the deeper connection so missing in my life.

Fun to dance, to laugh, to walk , to meet – tired at the end of the day, but still alone.

Yes … this is paradise, but here on the beach where the waves crash and the sun shines brightly, today, I am torn.