Posted by: gljcm2 | January 5, 2001

Search and Ye Shall Find – Within the Cocoon

January 5, 2001 Within The Cocoon

Within my cocoon I have created a safe place. It nurtures the me that exists right now, slowly leading me onward. This process seems to be taking time and I am becoming impatient. Something moves me from within to search harder, and so I spend many hours on the web, surfing for sites that will encourage and motivate me; searching for places that will provide answers that will lead me forward to a stronger definition of my new self.

After 20 years of loving teaching, the loss of my ability to work was devastating in many ways. Initially, it was the uncertainty of how long I would be away from teaching. What at first was a few days, changed to weeks, then months, and now.. has been three years. Through that time severe anemia, depression, and lack of energy have been struggles that I have wrestled with. But I am determined to come out the winner.

Thus my time in the cocoon so far has been for healing.. rest, sleep, adjusting to a life so unlike the one I’ve known. It’s been a time to learn patience, acceptance, and to count my many blessings rather than my losses. And unfortunately, it’s also been a time to eat but not exercise; to feel weight gain and a reduced ability to be active. And this is what I want to change.

No, my goal is not to “lose weight”, but to create a healthy lifestyle which will contribute to a healthy life, one that is rich with sharing, giving, loving and living.
And I do believe I’m on my way! It’s time to take stock of the gains over the three years.. not only look at the losses.

There’s a new me emerging slowly – a woman who has more time for her family (but not enough energy yet to do alot about it); an opportunity to explore other ways of helping people by working as a volunteer on a crisis line; learning that has taken place by finding an HHT site on the web which has allowed me to learn so much more about my condition and a realization that in this life it is exciting to try new things. We must look at change as an opportunity – a gift- and use it as such.

No, my outlook is not always positive. Many days are spent sleeping, laying in bed too tired to get up, feeling like I have no desire to tackle anything.

And that is why this journal is so important. For me it will be part of the path to the butterfly within.

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